My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
