I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
