Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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