Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
