woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
