So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
