I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
