she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
