Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
