You're my little dorito
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
