good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
