when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
