Can Purell be used as lube?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
