my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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