i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
