the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
