How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
