I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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