i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
