Old men and throwing up are my life now.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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