Betty ford says i'm here all night
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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