You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Randomize
