remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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