here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
