I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
