Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
