It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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