if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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