Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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