Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
