Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
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If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
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The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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