I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
