she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
