I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
be right there i have to get my cape
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
