If i could tip my vagina, i would.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
