i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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