I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
