Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Randomize
