i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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