so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
