It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
