good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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