You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
