I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I supernannyed him into submission
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
