When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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