Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
