I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Randomize
