I just threw up on my dentist
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
