you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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