I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
