Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Randomize
