you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
