He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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