I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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