Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
