Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
