Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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