i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
