He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
