just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I touched a dick in church today
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
