he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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